u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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