I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
