why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
