She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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