How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
