Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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