id be glad to
Four minutes until I can fart!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
