whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
