Do you still have your period?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
