I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
