I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
