apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
