college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
a search helicopter?!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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