Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
