I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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