Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
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She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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