why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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