I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
