She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
