I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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