I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
