Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
