so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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