I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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