I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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