he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
