Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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