I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
