I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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