I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
