My underwear smells like fireworks.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
