not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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