Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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