this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So apparently I’m into choking now
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
