I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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