I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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