i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
