His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
