I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
