a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
