From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
