mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
