Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
