just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
