I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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