Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
be right there i have to get my cape
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
