this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Bring me that man meat
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
