I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
