I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
