I bet he comes in French.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
