Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
