you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
