Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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