I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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