I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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