my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
How external is "for external use only"?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
