Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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