brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
