Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
