I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
