The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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